Fuck mania.
No seriously, fuck it.
It sounds like it’s all fun and games, and that having a sense of elation constantly must be great, but it’s scary, and can have shitty consequences. The elation is there, but on a knife edge. Anything could potentially push it the wrong way and make you plummet. That’s why it’s scary. It’s great to be enjoying life and not even acknowledge your worries or issues… But you’re constantly waiting for things to go wrong.
And that’s part of it… Not even realising the issues and important tasks are still there. This means things don’t get dealt with, and so when the crash does happen, there’s a whole load of bullshit to wade through.
On the plus side, apart from the worry that things could fall apart any second, you live in the moment. You’re not worried about the small things… The quarrels, the bitchiness, that awkward thing you said in the pub last week. It doesn’t matter. You’re there, you’re socialising, and loving every second of it. You don’t need to take anything seriously, life is light, and superficial. You’re up for anything. If you’ve seen the film ‘Yes Man’…. Literally anything anyone suggests, and you’re there.
However… It does also cause you to do some really stupid stuff, as a result of not thinking outside the moment. You behave irresponsibly, but not necessarily so much that anyone who doesn’t know would notice. To those on the outside you just seem more… Gregarious, happy, and generally… At ease with the world. But when you look back on it you start to get angry. Angry at yourself for not managing to take control of the situation at the time. Angry at yourself for making the same mistakes again. And angry because you *never* fucking notice you’re manic until you’ve already exhibited a number of these behaviour. Never. Each time you think you’re getting better at recognising, and then you realise you’re not. Eventually other people start to pick up on things, especially those close to you, and only then do you notice the pattern of behaviours.
There’s also something it’s hard to explain. The real tell-tale sign, for me, anyway, is that I feel like I’m full of bees. My whole body. Like it has electricity coursing through it. And my brain just buzzes. Nothing specific, it just doesn’t stop thinking, and it doesn’t go quiet. For those of you who’ve suffered from panic attacks, it’s similar to that feeling when your mind is whirring, your heart is racing, and you’re in complete sensory overload. Except instead of the dread, it’s almost like excitement. But this does mean that you’re already half way to a panic attack. Constantly, for weeks. And therefore, if something bad or stressful does happen, it doesn’t take long for things to progress into a panic attack.
Like I say, it’s not all bad. You’re much more socially adept than usual, and sometimes you end up getting amazing experiences out of it. And it’s nice to feel truly carefree. But at other times, you get to the final stages of donating a kidney before crashing, and (thankfully) not going through with it.
So fuck you, mania. Please just let me chill out for a bit.
Just Another nutter 