I’m surprisingly ok.. Certainly more ok than I would normally expect.. I’m not entirely sure whether this is how most people would react, and I’m doing really well, or whether I’m being emotionally numb and shut off.
Yesterday I had my occupational health appointment for my new university course.
I was expecting to have an open, honest, and frank discussion about my mental illness, how it affects me, and how I cope… Which we did… I was also expecting the outcome of the meeting to be ‘these are the support measures we’ll put in place’. Not quite..
Recently, I’ve done really well. I’ve had no panics over exams, I’ve had a few blows and coped with them, or reacted in a reasonable way. I’ve been on top of everything. I’ve been looking after myself.
I was aware the MH could be an issue for the new course, so I put steps in place. I contacted the disability team very early on and had a meeting with them. I’ve set up a meeting with one of their advisors, and people from the department. I’ve made sure my mental health team knows they’re going to have to transfer me. I’ve looked up relevant therapy to support me when I’m there.
I’ve been stable, and I’ve shown insight and planning. I’ve worked really hard to get my shit together for this, and put measures in place to prevent anything going wrong.
So while I was aware there would be a chance I could be told I couldn’t do the course yet, I didn’t expect it. And they haven’t said I can’t do the course. They’ve said I might not be able to, and they have to talk to the GP and psychiatrist before making a decision. I totally understand why. It’s a reasonable thing to do. I can see why they’re questioning my ability to cope. But it’s frustrating.
I’ve just finished one degree. I’ve sat every exam, and completed every piece of coursework bar one, which I couldn’t do because I missed the lab as I had flu. Essentially, what I’m getting at, is that despite the problems I’ve faced, I’ve coped, and I’ve done well. And I’m more stable now than I ever have been, so surely things should be easier?
I get that it’s stressful. I get the concern about my ability to do this course. I get that they have to go through the motions and do all the checks. I’m not concerned about the GP saying I’ll be ok, because she knows me, and knows I’ll be able to cope. If she didn’t think I could, she’d have said something long ago. The psychiatrist, on the other hand…. I’ve only met one psychiatrist from the mental health team, for 20 minutes, and she was horrible and sent me into a bit of a meltdown.. but even my dad agreed that it was an awful consultation. I am worried about having a letter written by someone who doesn’t know me, hasn’t seen me progress, hasn’t spoken to me in months.. that sits uneasy in my mind.
And it just sucks a bit. I’m worried they’ll say I can’t do the course. And I’m a bit down, because it feels like no matter how well I do, and no matter what I achieve, it will always be overshadowed by the fact I have mental health issues.
However, to be positive, I’m staying calm. They haven’t said I can’t do it yet.. and if they do, it should be a case of holding my place until next year, when I prove I’ve been stable for longer. I’m frustrated that this has all happened so late in the day. And I’m frustrated that the MH condition is more important than all of the good things they must have seen in my application and in interview. But I’m coping. And I’m stable. I am aware that I am feeling anxious, and that I am feeling disappointed, but those emotions aren’t in control… I am. And I think that alone speaks volumes.
Just Another nutter 