I write sitting in A&E (I know, haha, what a surprise). However, this time, I haven’t done anything stupid.. yet.
On Monday night, I identified that I was heading into a mania. So I decided, instead of burying my head in the sand, letting it take over, and reaching self destruct, I would address the problem.
So. On Tuesday, I attended my lecture in the morning (yes, a modern miracle), and headed over to the GP. I had an appointment with the Emergency Nurse. She decided I needed to see the Doctor. So far, so good.
So, I went to call my CPN, to update her and ask for advice. We came up with a plan. I’d see the GP, we’d replenish my supply of sedatives to get me through the night, and I’d go to an appointment with her in the morning. We’d see where we went from there.
So I saw the GP, he was wonderfully helpful. He tried calling the crisis team. They said they wouldn’t touch me, because I’m under the Specialist Mental Health Team, and therefore, I’m their responsibility. So he called SMHT. They said, because it was a crisis, the crisis team had to deal with it. Of course. They said if the crisis team wouldn’t help me, then we had to go to A&E.
The GP, understandably, wasn’t willing to send me home with meds in the state I was in. So he said I should go to A&E, following the advice of the SMHT. He was, however, furious that the appropriate services were unwilling or unable to help. He did all he could, and I am very grateful for that. It was nice to see that his frustration with the system matched mine, but was somewhat disheartening to realise even a doctor can’t get the appropriate care for his patients.
I was less keen on this. We went home, finished my supply of sedatives, ate some pizza (thank you Lizz ❤), and went to sleep.
Chapter Two: Today.
10am – appointment with CPN. She’s very lovely, and caring, and helpful. However. Her hands are somewhat tied. She can refer me to the psychiatrist, but I won’t be seen for weeks. She can refer me to therapy, but I won’t be seen for months. We had a good chat, but there was no actual practical outcome.
So we tried to go back to the GP. But my GP practice is awkward. We missed the Emergency Nurse by 10 minutes, so it would have been several hours before I could have even made contact.
It was at this point I finally realised that A&E was the only option. That’s what they tell you to do in crisis. ‘There’ll be a psychiatrist’ ‘You’re separated from the physical patients’. This is bullshit. We sat for 6 hours, in a noisy, crowded A&E waiting room. Don’t get me wrong, A&E is busy, sometimes you have to wait. People are dying. But… If a patient is in pain, they’re given pain relief while they wait. Why was I not offered any sedatives? I’m prescribed them, for PRN use, and ran out, because I only have a small supply, due to not often needing them. Medicine is based around relieving suffering, but this was not done.
Finally, someone from the crisis team arrived. She told me there was nothing they could do. She couldn’t prescribe, which was understandable. She told me the A&E doctors couldn’t prescribe.. How is this the case? If this is true, then why are we continually told to go to A&E whilst in a crisis?
So I left. I was thrown from the SMHT to the GP. From the GP to the crisis team. From the crisis team back to SMHT. From SMHT and the GP to A&E. From A&E to the crisis team, only to be told that there was nothing they could do, and to essentially be told to go home. With no meds. No extra support. The expectation of my friends to look after me. This is unreasonable.
How is there no emergency Psychiatrist? How is it possible for someone to follow every avenue they are told is available, and end up left with nothing, having been perfectly honest about the fact that heading into a mania can lead to risky behaviour.
So we left. I got about 20 feet, and broke down. I felt lost. I felt like I was falling, and there was nothing there to catch me. I felt godforsaken and desolate, and as if there was no hope. Because there is no help. You can try and try, and beg and plead, and it doesn’t come. I feel worthless, and an inconvenience. Because today has shown me that in this system, I do not matter. I am so unimportant that rather than anybody try to help, I’ve just been passed on and on, and eventually told there was nothing to be done. Discharged. Whilst going into a mania. That seems safe…
I went back into A&E reception and explained to the nurse that I would be at risk without the correct medication. She booked me back in, I’ve seen another nurse, she’s going to get me to see the doctor. Hopefully this will solve the problem. We are currently waiting to see.
But I have had my friends here all day supporting me. Encouraging me to go to appointments and actually getting me to the places where you are advised to attend during crisis. They’ve dragged me to A&E, where I didn’t want to go, because I feel like a waste of time. I’ve followed the rules. I’ve done what I’m told. I’ve tried to get help. But how am I supposed to get it, when it doesn’t fucking exist!?
Just Another nutter 