So I’ve been debating whether or not to apply.. I keep going through phases of being fairly confident I’ll get in, to completely doubting myself. At the moment I’m completely doubting myself. I mean.. I’ve got the experience (minus shadowing a doctor, which is all but impossible to arrange), I’ve got the grades, and I’ve got the drive and passion. So really all it comes down to is the entrance exam.
It’s difficult. I’m sure there are people out there who breeze through it without an issue, but sadly, I am not one of them. And it’s not like I haven’t been trying.. I downloaded a practice app on my phone months ago, went to a tutorial day, and I’ve been working hard using the practice books, but I don’t seem to be getting my as far as I’d hope. The problem is that the exam seems totally arbitrary.. I am getting frustrated because it’s not like you can work at it and learn, in the way you can for a university exam, and I also don’t understand the relevance it has to my becoming a doctor.
This has been getting me down. It’s made me feel stupid and incapable. I think I’ve been getting so upset because it is so totally out of my control, no matter how hard I work, and this feels so desperately unfair. I’ve worked so hard to get to this point, and I’m so sure I’m going to fall at the final hurdle.
So I’ve been debating.. Is it better to give up the ghost now, and admit defeat, as an act of self-preservation, or do I go for it anyway? I’ve been horrible, for the last week or so, and I can only apologise to those around me, because I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. From waking up in the morning to going to sleep, all I’ve been doing is second guessing my decision to aim to be a doctor. I’ve even felt less confident treating patients, because I’m so sure I’m not going to get in, and therefore that means I’m not good enough.. so should I be doing any of this?
But.. Fuck it. Like I say, I’ve worked so hard to get here, it would be ridiculous to give up now. People have kept saying to me that not trying is an automatic failure, and that I may as well try, because if I don’t, I definitely won’t get in… And I’m finally seeing their point. I find it difficult, as I’m sure many do, to remain objective and positive. It doesn’t come naturally, which means doing it for months can be exhausting, and in the end, the cracks start to show. But, as it were, I’m back on the waggon, and this time, I only need to do it for a few weeks until the exam is over, and then move on to the next step.
And clearly I should be doing this, because I get good feedback from patients, and I’m told by colleagues and superiors that I am good at it. I feel at ease with patients, and always used to feel confident in my treatment. It’s only recently that I’ve lost that. And I’m sure it will come back.
I’ll keep working hard to keep the panic at bay, study as hard as I can, and go for it. Because I’ve never wanted anything like I’ve wanted this, and I’ll do everything in my power to get there. And because I’ll be a shit-hot doctor.
Just Another nutter 