Looking over my previous posts, I’m beginning to realise how much the new medication is working. What I wrote was honest, and I think it really does reflect the highs and lows that I experience on a regular basis.. and that my loved ones have to deal with.
I say experience.. I think I really mean experienced. The last wobble I had was weeks ago, and with a reasonable cause – as verified by everyone present. Most people would have reacted similarly. Apart from that, I’ve been having fairly standard reactions to things.
So, I’ve been more ‘normal’. Stability and control are things I’ve never really understood before, and I’m still getting used to it. But I like it. And now I know what I’m aiming before. All of the ‘you won’t get better if you don’t want to’ is all well and good if you know what ‘better’ is. And now I do.
I’ve been applying for jobs, working, doing St John, seeing my family, spending time with friends and remaining calm. Yes, of course, I’ve been upset at a few things, but within the realms of normality. And I’ve been happy about things, but not manic.
Work is interesting. I’m gradually becoming more and more aware of the male dominated nature of this profession. In essence, this isn’t an issue, I’m more than happy to be ‘one of the lads’ and have them rip the shit out of me, I enjoy the banter.. (God I hate that word since it’s become so overly used, but it describes what I mean.)
The issue is, sometimes, it can feel a bit sexist. Maybe it’s just my paranoia, but it often feels like people look down on me, and assume I’m less capable clinically than my male counterparts. Often, it’s because they’re clinically senior to me, and that’s not an issue. If they’re senior to me, I’m more than happy for them to tell me what to do, but only if they’d treat the guys at my level in the same way. And there’s a way to help someone junior to you, without coming across as an arrogant arsehole with a superiority complex. And it often seems to come from men… but maybe that’s just because there are more of them around? I also think that part of it may be that I don’t have much self confidence, and that is conveyed very easily, so maybe people think I need more guidance than I do, but actually, I know what I’m doing. I’m a confident clinician with hundreds of hours under my belt and a huge variety of patients, and I come across like that to patients. They feel safe when they’re with me, and I’m actually good at what I do. I’ve never been good at something before, and so I think it gets to me when I feel belittled.
But, I’m sure I’ll have to deal with this frequently, if I’m to stay in the world of medicine, and maybe as I progress I’ll feel more able to address it. But for now, I think I’ll have to suck it up. Which I can. Because I love the job.
Things are frustrating at the moment. I don’t have a regular paid job or income, I’m finding it infuriating that I don’t know what I’ll be doing after I graduate – yes, I know it’s a year away, and I feel a bit lost. But that’s ok. I’ll find a job. I might have to accept that for the time being I’ll have to do something that isn’t medical, and just pick up all the ambulance shifts I can for experience!
So in summary:
- Feeling less mental
- Things aren’t ideal, but that’s ok
- Men are frustrating – what’s new there?
- I’m in control. What!?
Just Another nutter 