How the hell am I supposed to feel?

It’s been weird recently. I mean, it’s exam time, of course it has been.

But what I mean is, I’ve been stable. I haven’t been in the extremes all the time. I’ve been able to look at what’s happened recently objectively, without stimulating an emotional response and put it into perspective. I’ve looked at my exams, for which I have studied in less than ideal conditions, and accepted that my grades won’t be up to my usual standard. That was ok. I had my coursework grades to counterbalance it. It was only 2 modules I really screwed up revsion wise, so what if 2 exams went wrong, it didn’t matter. I only need 50-60% in the exam to get a first in those modules anyway. Who cares what the actual grade for the exam was, if I got a decent grade in the module and overall. I had a couple of minor pre-exam wobbles, which is to be expected when you know you’re supposed to write for 2 hours on a subject you know shit all about. Coming out of the exam yesterday I was ecstatic. Yes, I didn’t do as well as I would have done normally, had I been well and not adjusting to new meds, but I performed acceptably, and came out knowing I’d got a reasonable pass.

I felt better that I finally had a full explanation and diagnosis from the psychiatrist (cyclothymia), and that I felt so much more in control. All the small things were done, and I was focusing on the bigger picture, but calmly, for once.

Until last night. Last night was a big wobble. My housemate (and beloved friend) had to sedate me, which knocked me out until this morning. I was apparently hallucinating again, not that I remember, which is a fun game my mind hasn’t played with me for a couple of months. And this morning, I woke up knowing something had happened, but I didn’t know what. But wake up I did. And I got up. And I had a shower, and got dressed – small victories.

I was incredibly resilient, which takes a lot of work for me, and sat with my housemate going through the content for the exam today. I felt confident. I knew HIV inside out – that had to come up, right? I skimmed over a few other topics, learnt some as well as I could, and felt relatively confident, considering I’d only managed 3 days of proper revision.

I had already passed the module, without sitting the exam. I only needed 58% for a first. Even less, for a 2:1. Surely I could do that? And the right topics did come up, just not in the right way. I wrote what I knew, but on paper, it seemed like so little. One question (worth 10%) I completely blanked on, and for the data analysis and interpretation I feel like I wrote absolute horseshit.

And, of course, the second the exam finishes, everyone messages and calls and contacts. And right now I can’t cope with that. So I’m on a bus. I can’t go home. I can’t face people. People have put so much time and effort into me. They’ve saved my life. They’ve made me happy. They’ve loved me and coped with em when I’m not coping. They’ve brought me dinner, gone on long drives with me, just for the sake of it. People care about me. They give up so much time and emotional energy on me. They believe in me, and I’m letting everyone down time and time again. I’m remembering now why I felt so stupid for so many years. Because I am. Why on Earth I ever thought I could be a doctor I don’t know. I’ll never be intelligent enough for that, even if I try. And now I’ve fucked it, I may as well give up. I don’t just my hopes up by persuading myself I have a chance of being successful, I get up the hopes of everyone around me.

So for that I can only apologise. But maybe it’s time to stop trying. It doesn’t pay off anyway.

Finally understanding the phrase ‘winning at life’!

I’ve never understood this expression before.. But I think I’m starting to.

I made a list. A big long scary list. Of things I needed to do – some big, some small. All of the small things are done. I’ve finally unpacked all of my clothes from the Easter break, tidied my room, changed my sheets, put some washing on, done my washing up, applied for the UKCAT, which makes the fact I’m applying to medical school terrifyingly real. I’ve worked out all of the long term objectives and written them down so I don’t forget anything crucial, and I actually feel on top of things. I’m finally swimming, and the sinking feeling has all but gone.

I’ve minimised my alcohol intake, and the meds seem to be working. I feel stable, and in control. I’ve got a psychiatrist’s appointment on Monday, which I’m oddly looking forward to. I’m hoping it will shed some new light on the diagnosis, and it’s nice to feel like I can check in with the SMHT to ensure everything is as it should be.

So, the good things! I was at an awards ceremony last night! Both of my societies got awards from the Student’s Union. SSAGO (my baby) In its first full year as a fledgling society got Silver Standard, which I’m incredibly proud of. We’ve worked very hard for that!
St John Ambulance LINKS got Gold Standard. Last year we had no standard. We did no extra trips, there were few socials and we had to cancel various duties. This year we started with no president, secretary or unit manager. We filled these positions, worked together as a team despite a few personal issues, we had educational trips and talks, we had socials, we have covered every single duty this year because of the hard work of our volunteers and we have achieved incredible things. I am so very proud and thankful to the other members of the committee and every single member of the society. You all keep me sane… even if sometimes you drive me mad.
Both of these societies have helped me form some of the best friendships I have ever had. Everyone has been so supportive, and has welcomed me back as normal now that I’m better. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends. I am so very lucky. Thank you all.

Could it get better…? Of course it can! Today I had the meeting with my boss… I’m allowed back to work!!! Despite the torn cruciate ligament…. My first shift is on Saturday!

With my fantastic teams, we’ve won awards. I’m back at work. I’ve done some AWESOME St John shifts; London marathon is SO much fun, I’ve decided that one day I want to run it!

Now I just need to study and ace these exams. Which I’m going to do. And then I’ll get a job in a hospital over the summer. And then I’ll prepare for the UKCAT, and then apply to medical school… I’d be happy if I were functioning normally.. But I’m doing so much better than that. How did I ever lose sight of this?