Oh bollocks..

I knew I didn’t trust it. It was definitely more elation that happiness. I was really quite giddy and hyperactive.

But it’s sort of stopped now. I mean.. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely feeling better than I was before, and certainly more stable. But right now I want to cry.

I’ve done my usual. Got incredibly drunk, incredibly frequently and have fucked around. And has it helped with self esteem? Of course not. I know why I do it. Somehow it makes me feel more connected with people? In a way that I often don’t. And also, of course, because if someone wants to fuck me, then I can’t be quite as unnatractive as I feel.

But I feel shit. And a bit used. And very young and naive.

And I fucking hate being single. I can’t be bothered with this bullshit anymore. I want to have that person who I can always call when something good has happened, or something bad has happened, or I just want to feel loved. I want to have that person to come home to every day, to cook dinner with, to fall asleep in their arms and wake up next to. I don’t like being alone. And I think it’s only just hit me, really, that I am, now, very very alone. And I will be for a considerable amount of time. Because as I said before, I’m never going to have romantic success until my mental health is stable. And while it is more stable, and I am better than I was, it is still clearly very temporary, and it’s not going to be ‘fixed’ for a very long time. Which means I’ll be by myself for a very long time. And I don’t like that. And it scares me.

But I’ll have to live with it.

The feeling shit is probably somewhat my fault. I know the efficacy of the meds is lowered when I drink, and I’ve done it anyway. I know that not getting enough sleep makes me feel like shit, and yet, I’ve stayed up late anyway. So time to stop. I’ve got a party to go to soon, so I may have a little tipple, but will keep it at that. Little.

I’m currently away with a few friends on holiday, and we’ve been hiking a couple of times.

Before we came away I started running – I know, what the f@#! is happening to me!?- and actually enjoyed it. It makes me feel like I’m taking control of part of my wellbeing. This being both in a physical and a mental sense, because knowing that I’ll be helping myself lose weight makes me feel better. I was actually drinking loads of water, which is always good, getting outside and studying hard. So I probably just feel shit this week because I haven’t done enough exercise, I’ve eaten shit, I haven’t done any work, and I’ve been partying every night.

So back to a life of virtue when I get home.

I also have lots of St John activities coming up, and that always makes me feel better. I’ve got to have an interview with my boss, to see if I’m stable enough to return to work, and to be honest, I think I am. These are all good things. But they’re all in the future, and I always find myself looking forwards and entirely unable to live day by day.

So. Today, I have had no alcohol, I’m planning on going to bed relatively early, we went on a walk, and I haven’t eaten total crap.

Let’s see if tomorrow is any better.

So the tides are turning…

So, as previously stated, it would appear the tides are turning.

I write, slightly drunk (following a night of wine, rum and wonderful company), sitting on my parents’ sofa and watching Peep Show. I don’t think there’s such a thing as too much David Mitchell.

I got back from Gran Canaria yesterday. This was certainly theraputic. A week of sun, sea and, seeing my best friend who lives half way across the globe certainly does leaps and bounds to bring the spirits up.

Good lord the grandfather clock in my folks living room is annoying. I’ve stopped the ticking and I swear I can still hear it… unless audio hallucinations have joined the visuals… (just a joke, please don’t anybody take offence…)

But yes, yet more time has passed, I’ve been having some fun (a girl musn’t kiss and tell) and had some time away from it all, in which I truly switched to ‘Spanish Brain’; English really isn’t comming naturally, at the moment.

Crashing back to reality wasn’t as difficult as I’d expected. A beautiful walk in the Cotswolds this afternoon certainly helped, but tomorrow I really need to start focusing on revision.. I managed at Christmas so I’m sure I can manage now. 

Interestingly, the new medication (mood stabilisers) which I have just started state that they are specifically to treat epilepsy and/or bipolar disorder… So why then, did the psychiatrist tell me he needed to diagnose the personality disorder in order to get me the pills? Unless he’s trying to sugar coat a metaphorical pill.. I suppose something I need to ask when I next see him..

But, as the days and weeks go on, I become more certain that everything is more stable. Some of the funky side effects of the meds are wearing off – eg I now have at least one iota of balance. I am able to recognise emotions, and distinguish between them, and to a certain extent, control them – or at least express the correct emotional repsonse to most situations. Today I caught up with two fantastic friends, and despite not getting any studying done, made good use of my time by doing housework, so I’m not beating myself up too much for veing entirely unproductive..

Feeling more rational, more stable, and more me. The world seems a little brighter. And I cannot thank enough all those who have helped along the way.